“I’m really sorry, I’ve had to cancel tomorrow.”
This message was from the mum of a friend of my daughter Emmie’s who was having a party the next day. The girls had been talking about it at school all week, as 11-year-olds do.
What a shame, I thought, and texted back to check she was okay.
Something felt odd, though. The message had only been sent to me. There was an anxious unease bubbling in the back of my mind, but I told myself not to be silly. Surely a mum wouldn’t cancel one child. Emmie was really disappointed, of course, so we made other plans.
The next day while we were out we bumped into a school mum, and Emmie asked where her daughter was.
“Oh, she’s at the party with the girls,” the mum said.
Emmie and I looked at each other in shock. My blood was racing and my head was pounding. I felt my heart breaking for her.
We’d been lied to. The party wasn’t cancelled, but my daughter was. It was devastatingly cruel.
I didn’t know what to do. Emmie was trying to make sense of it, feeling unworthy for being excluded and turning in on herself to question what she could have done. There was unnecessary shame from realising all the girls were together and they’d know she’d been told a lie to stop her from joining. There was worry about what this meant for Monday, back at school, and if she would now always be excluded.
My daughter understands that she won’t be invited to everything, and while it can be hurtful, that’s life. But this was different. She couldn’t think of anything significant that had happened in the playground, and I hadn’t been told anything. We were both in the dark.
Wanting advice and reassurance I shared some details on Instagram, and suddenly my inbox was full of thousands of messages from mums all over the world revealing their heartbreak.
I had messages from mums who feel powerless as they watch their daughters being excluded, mums who have changed their kids’ schools because of bullying, mums of girls who have never had a friend in the playground.
Mums shared their daughters’ bullying-related eating disorders and mental health challenges, and how they still struggle with self-esteem from being bullied when they were little and are watching the cycle repeat with their children.
One mum told me how her daughter had excitedly given out party invitations at school, only to have her ‘friends’ rip them up in front of her and toss them in the bin.
Another tween was excluded from a sleepover by her closest friends, who then sent her photos of them having fun all night, with a sarcastic ‘Wish you were here’.
One daughter called her mum in tears to pick her up early from a party as every girl there was ignoring her.
The bullying problem is much bigger than I knew, and it’s unacceptable. Thankfully, many schools – like the fabulous one my daughter goes to– actively manage this behaviour and support the children that need it. But it’s our job as mums, too.
Parenting expert and author of The Tween Mothers Toolbook, Amanda Stokes, says while it can be tempting to get involved, it’s important to remember that our children take their lead from us. Instead, we should model the behaviour we expect from our girls.
“Talk to your girls about being inclusive, about speaking up, and help them develop their assertiveness,” she advises.
“We need to empower our daughters to call out poor behaviour, and most importantly, role model inclusion, kindness, talk other women up and celebrate others.”
We all know the devastating effects bullying has. Many of us still struggle with the scars from our childhoods, many children have taken their lives, and many others are losing their confidence and joy right now as they are excluded and hounded at school.
In the week of the National Day of Action against Bullying and Violence, and in the same week tens of thousands of Australian women marched in support of each other, we need to acknowledge our girls need help.
Let’s check in with our daughters, encourage them to be inclusive, to reach out to the girl who sits alone, to practice kindness and forgiveness and learn the joy that comes from making others happy.
As young women, our daughters will have more than enough struggles to deal with from outside their gender. Let’s get them to join together and support each other now so they enter adulthood as a strong, powerful and united female force.
Evie Farrell blogs at www.mumpacktravel.com and at @mumpacktravel and is the author of Backyard to Backpack: A solo mum, a six-year-old and a life changing adventure